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Psychologist and Special Education Specialist Bihter Mutlu shares his views on Öğret Teaching Emotions to Our Children üyle with the second and last part of our series.
Can children learn and develop awareness of their emotions?
Our children can learn to be aware of emotions; therefore, they can develop their “empathy” ability to predict what others might feel. This feeling develops around the age of 3 and can be developed throughout life. Bihter Mutlu says: “In general, children, like us, can express their feelings indirectly instead of sharing them. But if we can give them the message that we will accept them unconditionally with all their positive and negative emotions by giving them opportunities to express their emotions as a model, and if we do not act accusatory or judgmental, and listen to them to the end without interrupting them, our children may feel comfortable in expressing their feelings and thus be open to improvement. . "
A way to deal with problems: Naming and accepting emotions
Sometimes accepting only negative emotions in the face of negative behaviors allows the problems to be solved before they grow. If we ask a passing person how many kinds of emotion names you can say, it is possible to say a few kinds of emotion names. In general, the answers will be known, namely, being happy, being sad, being angry, being scared, surprised, embarrassed, jealous. However, if we think about it, we can find dozens of words to express our feelings. To be satisfied, to love, to like, to be in love, to get excited, to care, to feel close-intimate, to have fun, to feel optimistic, to be enthusiastic, to feel peaceful-calm, to be hoped, to trust, to be connected, to feel, to be affected, to be cared, to be aware, to be aware, emotionalize, relax, feel confident, tolerate, feel strong or powerless, bored, sense of curiosity, strange, need, envy, feel pain, be uncomfortable, proud, arrogance, humiliate, see oneself down, get excited, excited, disappointed, It is not difficult to develop in the form of feeling pessimistic, feeling guilty, disgusting, feeling frustrated, desperation, being indifferent, going into shock, worrying, feeling unsuccessful, being confused. As we have seen, there are so many emotions that we can name in the face of behaviors… In appropriate and necessary environments, we can name emotions by choosing from this list both in order to be a model for our children and to understand our children's behavior.
Another way to solve problems: Understanding the underlying emotion of behavior
Sometimes understanding the underlying emotion of our child's behavior can solve things before they become a problem. Ih Changing direction dır is a defense mechanism that we all use from time to time. Changing our sense of direction is the main goal instead of moving in another direction. skills are not fully developed, especially children often use this mechanism. Sometimes they get angry at something, it takes time to figure out why they're angry. Sometimes they can be jealous of things, and we need to think a little bit about understanding why they're acting incompatible. If we try hard enough to find the source of emotion of our child's behavior and make him aware of it, we will have no difficulty in ordering things. ”
There are several example situations in which we can name emotions or understand the underlying emotions of behavior:
Case 1: Your 3-year-old says there's a monster in his room and he doesn't want to sleep.
What is automatic response in general?
Yok There's no monster in your room ”, yok There's nothing to be afraid of. There is no such thing as a monster Zaten
When we say that, the child feels unclear. However, the 3-year-old is sure that there is a monster in his room. Since his mental development is sufficient to perceive concrete things now, he has perceived a shadow or a branch of a branch inside the room as a monster.
Instead of all these automatic responses, we can accept fear and act in that way. There may be a lot of emotions that we can name here. “So you're scared”, in You felt very uncomfortable ”, un You don't feel safe?”, “You know that's normal? All children of your age can be scared at night. What can I do to comfort you? Üzerine Our child can then say what he needs, feel accepted and relaxed.
Case 2: Your 4-year-old daughter came home from the nursery and said: “Mother, I don't like Ayse at all.“
What is usually automatic response?
Ne What happened again? ”,“ Why? Ayşe is a very sweet girl ”,“ No, I think you really liked Ayşe, but something happened today ”,“ Ayşe is actually good, pretty şöyle ”When we say such things, we close all communication channels against our child. What happened again? When we say “you're actually guilty of the exact” message. What our child needs at that time is not how sweet and sweet Ayşe is. All it needs is just to rest and be accepted.
Instead of all these automatic reactions, we can repeat the word he said with mirroring technique: “hmm…, you don't like Ayşe? Is it jealousy or anger? You can help your daughter, who is jealous that Ayşe is dressed in a pink skirt and the teacher likes her very much, can be aware of these feelings and express them appropriately.
Case 3: Your child in primary school came home, threw his bag against the wall and said: “Dad got 2 from the exam, Mehmet got 5, the teacher always gives him 5”
Usually automatic responses:
“My son, you get 5 from the next exam”, “You haven't worked enough already”, “Mehmet is a very hardworking student, you work, you get 5”, “Well, come on, I'll get you an ice cream and cheer you up a bit…… by acting, we will bypass the emotions created by the event on our child. These reactions will double the sadness of your already sad child, and there will be pressure on him to get 5 in the next exam, causing Mehmet to become even more jealous and turn that jealousy into anger.
In this case, there are many emotions you can name. Dın So you got 2, you must be feeling very sad ”, mı Did you feel unsuccessful, baby?”, “(Not ironically, but with a suitable facial expression) Could you be a bit jealous of Mehmet?”, Orum I see you are disappointed I know you've worked hard for this exam. değil
Case 4: Your child came home from the kindergarten and started throwing all his toys around. He even broke one or two.
Usually automatic responses:
“What do you think you're doing? kırma Don't break your toys ”, ne What happened again in the nest?”, “No more toys for you”…
“Hmm… you look very angry”, orum I see you sad, do you mind if I find out why? ”,“ So you're mad at your friend, what can you do to relax right now? ”
Case 5: (An example for much smaller ones) Your child fell and hit his head on the table, crying.
Usually automatic responses:
An That's what happens if you run ”, lum Watch out for my son” (these can cause guilt) “okay okay nothing happened, it didn't hurt, look at the bird flying”
“Yes, it hurts a lot”, in you can cry a little bit, I hope that the pain will go away soon yaklaş Approaching like this will help her to stay and cope with her emotions.
Case 6: An approach like kork crying like a baby that will never pity, a may give your child the needle-fearing message that the pain is not understood. Instead, yaklaşım yes, it will, but this pain will not last long, I think you can handle it, what do you think? Yaklaşım approach to prepare himself for the needle, as well as to understand the feeling is more appropriate.
Case 7: Your 5-year-old grandmother went to a corner and sat down while she was feeding her brother, “Mother, you always feed him, you never feed me”.
Usually automatic responses:
Im Don't act like a baby, ““ of course I'm going to feed her, how can you eat your own ”, old You're a big sister now, are you still jealous?”, “You can't pull your brother anyway“…
First of all, it is useful to acknowledge how natural and human emotion the jealousy of the brothers is and that these emotions have various advantages. “Could you be a little jealous of my baby? Well, that's normal, brothers are always jealous of each other. I can't get you to eat right now, but I think I can help you with that strong emotion. What can you offer me about this? Siniz you can accept your child's feelings and take a completely communicative approach.
To summarize, what we are aiming at:
1) We create emotional awareness and psychologically mature our children.
2) Therefore, we support them to gain a sense of empathy. (empathy is not possible without realizing their own feelings)
3) We raise self-confident children who accept themselves with their good and bad sides.
4) We can develop the skills of understanding others and accepting them with their good and bad sides, thus establishing healthy relationships.
5) We give you the opportunity to see you as parents who can always say anything and accept it in all its aspects.
6) We'il make sure the problems are handled before they grow.
Contact Bihter directly
Psychologist and Special Education Specialist
ELELE Child and Family Counseling, Development and Education Center
Tel: 0212 2239107