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My vanity couldn't handle any of the pregnancy stages – from the beginning where you start to lose your waist but no one really knows why, to the bitter end – where those gigantic maternity bloomers you swore you'd never, ever wear, suddenly fit and appeal to your newfound priority of comfort above ALL else. (Little did I know about those crazy sexy mesh panties I'd grow so fond of, postpartum.)
And, pregnancy made me feel super conspicuous. Walking around with a huge baby bump felt a bit like wearing a sign on my forehead that said, "I had sex, with a man, and this happened."
There's another sign you wear on your forehead when you're pregnant: This sign says "Even if I don't know you, don't hesitate to tell me how I look, what you think about how I look, how the way I look compares to your expectations or other pregnant women you know, how far you guess my cervix has dilated or, just about anything that crosses your uncensored mind. Go ahead, spit it out!"
1. You are as big as a house.
2. You don't look pregnant from the back. (Okay if the commenter is your best friend. Otherwise NO!)
3. I never imagined, you'd ever let yourself go like this.
4. You better have that baby soon or you'll explode.
5. Are you having a baby human or a baby elephant?
6. Aww you're so cute. You remind me of a Teletubby.
7. Do you think the baby will get your nose? (Translation: That poor kid.)
8. Remember that rum cocktail we had together when you didn't realize you were pregnant? Do you ever worry about that?
9. Don't take this the wrong way, but that dress makes you look enormous.
10. Are you overdue?
11. Are you sure there's only one baby in there?
12. How are they going to get that thing out of you?
13. I have a friend who's due around the same time as you and her bump is twice the size/half the size as yours.
14. You should have one of those reverse signals like commercial trucks have. "Beep, beep, beep!"
15. Your shoes are untied. Hahahahahahaha! Just kidding.
16. Do every woman's hips get so wide during pregnancy?
17. Does it not freak you out when you think about how a baby is going to fit in your vagina?
18. If your water breaks in here you're paying for the carpet cleaning bill.
19. How are you enjoying those new hooters?
20. Watch out you don't suffocate your newborn with those breasts.
21. If I rub your belly will a genie come out?
22. Are you planning to breastfeed?
23. Will you have a natural birth or cheat and get an epidural?
24. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're starting to waddle.
25. Wow, even your face has gained weight.
26. How do you fit that thing behind your steering wheel?
27. Have you tried massaging your perineum with primrose oil?
28. You've heard of nipple stimulation, right?
29. Let's start a "guess the baby's weight pool." I guess 40 pounds.
Images from iStock
This post was originally published in January, 2017.
Opinions expressed by parent contributors are their own.